I’ve been meaning to write a blog about the woman-to-woman exchange when it comes to men.  However – every time I sat down to get it on paper, my mind wandered off. Little did I know, God was holding me off until the perfect time. 

You see, this movie had to fully develop. God wanted y’all to have characters and context, setting and names, Hunny. And now, we have a complete motion picture. It’s a long one, but it’s a page-turner, baby!

Cut to this summer and Mr. Not Difficult. Yup, remember when I wrote the blog, “Why Do I Date Difficult Men?” 

Up until about one month ago, I was seeing this guy we will call “B.” Things were going great. He was super easy to get along with, and nothing about our situation was difficult. Finally. This was a breath of fresh air because my dating experiences haven’t exactly been smooth sailing. B and I loved getting to know each other. You know, a good time among two people weeding through the NY dating scene. 

The one thing B and I had in common (a big thing, actually) was that we are both on our grind and this grind didn’t leave much room for more than one focus. Knowing that we both had big, immediate goals with work, he understood that I wasn’t always readily available. Our perspective work hustles were honestly our only priorities. Celebrating the highs and lamenting on the tough days were nice, but the truth was that we very openly spoke about the fact that I couldn’t give him 100% of my focus and vise versa. 

Nevertheless, we continued to see each other because we genuinely enjoyed one another’s company and, again, everything was so easy. Honestly, it was kind of dope to be up at 6am, every day, with someone on the same grind. 

As B’s birthday approached, I asked him if we could celebrate a few days before because I had out-of-town plans (the truth is, I did have plans, but what he didn’t know was that plan was actually a staycation with another man. I’m a single woman with options, k?)

Anyway, when his birthday rolled around, I posted a casual Instastory of us… only to receive a very bizarre DM a few hours later. 

I read this message a few times because I was completely caught off guard. This was B’s ex-girlfriend. I knew of her because she had connected with my best friend, and my friend made me aware of her when I first started seeing B. In the first few weeks of us seeing each other, I asked B about their relationship and he very openly and honestly shared that they were no longer together and she lived in Atlanta. Ladies and gents, meet Ari from Atlanta. 

Remember when I mentioned that I was on a staycation with another guy? Well, I couldn’t allow myself to show face in front of the new guy, so I let her DM sit until I could get a second alone. When I got back to my phone, her original message had been deleted and she crafted a fresh DM, followed me, and went ahead and liked multiple photos of mine. Are you ready for the kicker? She only liked the photos that B had recently liked. 

Obviously, I knew something was up. More importantly, I knew that this woman lacked the emotional stability, especially in this moment, to approach me correctly. She didn’t want to actually be my friend. Instead, she was looking to let me know that was her man or find out if I was dealing with him. The insecurity of the send and delete of her DM screamed that desperation. And, well, she knew who I was because I checked with the friend she referenced, and I learned that Ari had inquired about who I was a month earlier. 

Ladies, I will say this, and some of you will disagree, but DO NOT GO TO ANY WOMAN, WOMAN-TO-WOMAN, ABOUT ANY MAN. One more time, DO NOT GO TO ANY WOMAN, WOMAN-TO-WOMAN, ABOUT ANY MAN.

Especially if he is “your man,” because guess what that means? Your man cheating on you is your problem. So, what did I do when I was able to process these DMs? I went to B, the man in question. I sent him both sets of screenshots and asked him to clarify whether that was his girlfriend. Not only did he deny any relationship with her, but he also let me know he “didn’t deal with people who do things like that.”

There’s a trend among women who try to step to you woman-to-woman. 96% of the time, they are never the actual girlfriend or wife. The women who step to you, woman-to-woman, are usually vying for their spot. Their initial reach out is led by their insecurities. 

The way he so casually and comfortably denied her made me feel bad for her. However, her entire passive-aggressive vibe irked my soul. I’m too old for the games, and the fact that she thought she’d be able to manipulate me actually tickled me. C’mon, sis. You gotta know your opponent before you go into battle.  

In these woman-to-woman situations, the real thing you need to decide is whether you have time to engage in this conversation because once you start… it’s going all the way there. 

As counterproductive as these convos usually are, I had time. So, I wrote her back:

Do you see how quickly she felt the need to establish her title and role in his life? How and why was she turning our conversation into a one-up contest? What was she trying to prove? Or was she trying to prove something to herself? 

I didn’t betray her trust or humiliate her. I didn’t lie or deceive her either. After all, I’m a girl’s girl! Anyone who knows me knows that I go hard for fellow Young Queens. 

But right here, this is where it got really sad:

I didn’t have the heart to tell her how to spell “role.” It wasn’t until she typed it twice that I really understood she actually didn’t know how to spell. Y’all, I don’t want to fight with anyone who doesn’t know how to spell. I’m far too educated and accomplished to argue with anyone who doesn’t know the difference between are and our, their and there, or damnit, role or roll. 

Deeper than that, why would she ever set her standards so low and whole-heartedly believe there’s some sort of prize for being “the main chick”? Did she think having access to the Jets wives’ room was an intimidation tactic? I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I’ve been in a relationship that took us to the Superbowl and one that took us to the NBA finals. The last place I want to be is an NFL wife event. Literally, it sounds like death. 

But here’s where it got worse: 

Sis, no. This is what we won’t do. Young Queens, we will always maintain self-respect and dignity. We won’t justify cheating with a mere convo or attack the guiltless party in all of this. We are better than that!

However, when your mind is monopolized with insecurities and desperation, that’s a bad time to take it upon yourself to have effective communication with someone you don’t know. It’s foggy, sis. You’re basically clawing at the carpet, trying to hang onto anything.

And that’s just what happened next. Unhappy with our exchange, Ari from Atlanta reached deep into her bag of desperation, and the next day, she made up a lie in hopes of smearing my name and character.

She shared with B’s father, the same person she referenced in her DMs, that I had recorded a video of B while he was sleeping. Scarily, she equipped this lie with a video of him sleeping that she recorded. 

She was in a tailspin, and at that moment, I was more sad for her than mad at what she was doing to me. Being in his life validates her life, and my presence in his life was so intimidating that she had actually lost her mind. The fact that I could be a threat was enough to send her into this tailspin.  

But honestly, she took it too far. I reached out to one of my most psychotic friends and even she thought Ari went too far. Unfortunately for Ari from Atlanta, God don’t play about me. You can’t just be out here lying on me, making up full-blown stories. Karma is real.

What’s even crazier is that she really didn’t have to go that far because B was basically dead to me. A sure-fire way to get over a man is to be made aware of his corny ex-girlfriend. 

I can’t help but cringe and wonder who else Ari from Atlanta has DM’d. I’ll never know, but I do know one thing – this woman-to-woman shit rarely works. Assumedly, it didn’t even make her feel better. She’s still suffering, every day, waking up to check on me, wondering what B is doing as she attempts to hang on to any piece of a relationship that will help her validate her existence. But this time, checking on me from her business’s Instagram account. We’re better than this, Young Queens. We don’t do woman-to-woman DMs, passive-aggressive behavior, and spy work that should only be reserved for a P.I. 

No, Young Queens. We only do dignified communication, self-respect, and healthy relationships. Have the wherewithal to dabble with introspection instead of reacting off emotion. When you act with a clear mind, you can walk away without drama and appreciate the clarity that the circumstances provided.  

From my perspective, this is about you – this is about the level in which you value yourself, the standards you set for your relationships, and the ways you build your self-worth based on life decisions, big and small. 

Young Queen, never let a man’s actions put you in the mental or emotional space to do the unthinkable. Keep elevating and leave toxicity behind. You’re worth it.