Hi, May I Speak To “Chris?”

Being single in New York City is really an episode of Sex in The City. I know it’s such a basic comparison but sometimes I do feel like Carrie Bradshaw sitting at my computer writing and rewriting stories of dating failures. Tonight wasn’t necessarily a dating failure on my end, but certainly another example of the foolery going on out here.

I have a guy friend who will go by the alias of “Chris.” Great guy, truly just my friend despite his CONSTANT attempts to make it more. I’ll be honest, sometimes I am blown away by his determination.

We spoke yesterday and he asked if I had some free time tonight. I took a look at my oh-so busy social calendar. Not. I was free.

He was going to travel from Philly to NYC to take me to dinner. He wanted to “prove” to me how important it was to spend some quality time with his friend he hasn’t seen a long time. I knew I might have been giving him the wrong impression but I can’t turn down Ruth Chris! I figured once I saw him and he read my UBER friendly body language and demeanor he would be reminded this would be just that. A friendly dinner.


Here we are, 8:40pm, Ruth Chris. The same Ruth Chris I walked into 2 weeks ago for a date and my Ex’s mom and sister were sitting at the bar next to him. I know. I know. Why did I even go back to that place? I digress.

We walked past the infamous bar to the back booth. Before I could even get my coat off, my phone began to ring. I didn’t recognize the number but I’m not one of those people who has a VIP rope on who I answer the phone for so I answered.


“Hi, May I speak to Chris?”

I looked across the table, I was sitting with a Chris, but figured it was total coincidence. It didn’t phase me.

“I think you have the wrong number.” Click. I mentioned it casually to Chris. “So funny, someone just called looking for a Chris.”

His eyes started shifting and this cloud of aniexty came over his face. You could tell he wanted to reach for his phone but before he could……BULUP(There’s that i-message sound again)!

“You know Chris Stone. Don’t play with me.” She used his government name. She meant business.


I responded quickly. “Who is this?” I had about one million other questions & comments but I kept my wits about me.

She couldn’t wait to get the next line out. “His girlfriend.”

Now comes the moment of truth, I could let her know Chris is just a friend of mine, no need to worry, and I would love to meet her sometime. But let’s be honest, she just jumped out the window and called and text my phone because she secretly hacked this guys account, she wouldn’t believe it. I could make her sweat? Play games? Tell her she has the wrong number?

But let me tell you how I know I’m turning 30 in a few weeks. I replied nothing at all.

I showed Chris the text. He coupled an instant denial of having a girlfriend with a ferocious grab of his phone. He texted a whole slew of messages about insecurity, being crazy, and leave me alones.

I had to laugh about it because here I was, innocently out with a friend who took a two hour ride to take me to dinner. I was excited about the stuffed chicken and a glass of Chardonnay while his girlfriend (or maybe not) sat behind some Apple device with a copy of his iCloud about to take her own life.


I’ll admit it. I felt bad for her. I was once a slave to Apple security codes and passwords. It’s an awful feeling not to trust your significant other. I was baffled by the man I thought was my friend was either lying about her existence or totally misleading this girl into believing she has a boyfriend out here who even awknoledges she exists.

Either way, this wasn’t the time to forfeit my Ruth Chris meal, in fact there’s never a time to do that. I switched my Chardonnay order to a mojito and started pounding them back as I watched him tirelessly squirm in his seat. Every time I would try to bring up a topic he would just keep apologizing. He thumb stumbled all over the iPhone settings looking for a way to deactivate her access to his account. He would try to start a conversation and fade off mid sentence. This dude was a mess. He was staring the fate he was trying so hard to fight dead in the face. He would be forever stuck in the friend zone.

Luckily it was Sunday and Ruth Chris closes at 10pm so we were both basically saved by the bell. This unfortunate night was over before it could even begin.


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