I swear to God. I cannot make my life up. There’s no intro for this one. Just read.
It was a Friday night. My flight was delayed and I was approaching 3 hours of idle time on the runway. I made friends with my seatmate, a wonderful minister from VT who was traveling to Mexico with his daughters to build homes for the homeless. For 3 hours, off and on, we chatted about everything from religion to our careers to relationships and even health. His story was awesome and he helped me laugh and joke about my lack of patience for this delayed flight.
Next, my phone rang, and here was the new guy who had been courting me (for lack of better words.) We’re going to have to give him a name, let’s call him……. Chris? Chris seems to be the go-to alias name on this blog. Let’s keep it going.
The convo started with the unnatural small talk that always happens in the beginning. You know when you kind of cut each other off asking “How are you” and “What’s up” and “What are you doing?” all at the same time. That awkward moment when no one really knows when to go first.
Anyhow, all of a sudden I remember the test I wanted to give him. I had done some instagram research on him days before, without hitting that follow button of course, and found out he had 3 kids. It was time to see how honest he was.
I gave it to him straight “So how many kids do you have?”
He answered quickly and confidently “Three.”
I was impressed. Next, “How old?”
“4 years old, 2 years old and 7 months.”
Oh boy. Here we go. Why? Why men? Why? 7 mos? Why are you on anyone’s line with a 7 month old baby? Go make a bottle. Change a diaper. Hell, pump some breast milk. I don’t care what you do, but cross courting other women off your list.
Sorry, there I am digressing again.
Anyhow, I wanted scream “WHAT!?! AND HOW MANY BABY MOTHERS?!?” I wanted to know more but I looked to my right and the nice minister man was busy reading Psalms. I curved my conversation, acted real cool, and asked quietly “Oh ok, and how many Baabyyy….. BM’s?” I knew the pastor had no idea what BM’s meant.
He replied… “Like 2.. 2 and ½”
What? 2 and ½ baby mothers? What does that even mean?
I replied, “2 and ½? Like 2 and possible??? This is not Spades sir.”
He laughed. I didn’t. I waited for his explanation. Frankly, he offered up the answers far faster than I expected.
He started, “Well, the first one lives in Mexico.”
I couldn’t help but look over at the minister to my right and think: Sir, are you building a home for this guys kid? Ok no, but for real. Huh? Mexico? I imagined a wild, wild spring break in Cabo but still wanted to hear his story.
I asked, “Like your son is a Mexican citizen?”
“Yeah, I worked in Mexico for a few months and well I met a girl and 1 thing led to another….”
“Ok, so is this the ½ ? Like does she NOT count because she’s not a citizen?”
“No, well actually she has dual citizenship.” He replied.
Hmmm, Ok. I let him continue….
“So the next one is a little bit trickier. Two of my close friends are lesbians. They wanted to get married and have a kid. I was 30 and my mom wanted grand kids, so I offered up my sperm.”
Come on. Two lesbians? Offering up your sperm? I was too embarrassed to even look the ministers way, I just clicked my phone volume down two more levels and replied “Okay so is she/they the ½?” I was still out here looking for the ½ book. You know when you lose a hand in spades and you question your partners judgement on that possible book they had in their hand? That was me.
He continued, “No well that’s the crazy part. We began the fertility process, however a week before she was supposed to get inseminated, the girls broke up and we called it off.”
“Ok???????” I waited.
“But a few weeks later, we actually ended up hooking up and because her body was on high alert from the fertility prep, she got pregnant.”
“1 time?” I questioned.
“Yep. 1 time.”
I’m going to digress again, but it’s necessary. Is it me or are there more and more men falling back on this 1 time excuse? Gentlemen, do you know how aligned the stars have to be for you to get a woman pregnant from having sex 1 time? Physically, for a woman, it can only happen like 2-3 days a month. Nobody believes you.
By this point in the conversation, I pretty much checked out. This explanation was already more than I could have possibly expected. But yet, the part of me who knew I would write a blog about this outrageous situation, needed the rest.
I continued, “Wow, what a coincidence. Yeah, her body must have been on REAL high alert. So, that’s two kids and two BM’s. I guess the ½ comes in now?”
He started the next part with a little hesitation in his voice. “Well…. the good news is, once she got pregnant, she got back with her girlfriend. They got married and built a beautiful home. They started to raise my son and I participated in his life as well. Everything was in order until one random night, things got a little crazy and we had a menage a trois. Let’s just say the end result is that I got the other one pregnant.”
I SPIT OUT MY SPRITE ALL OVER THE AIRPLANE WINDOW.
I MELTED INTO THE AIRPLANE SEAT.
I prayed for him, me, AND the minister next to me. I stopped to re evaluate all the facts. 1 baby in Mexico, 1 baby by a lesbian, 1 baby by the lesbian’s wife. 3 children living between 2 homes and 2 countries. 3 children, 2 moms and 1 supposed butch? 3 children and 2 of which were parented by a married couple. All of a sudden I understood what he meant by 2 ½ . It was confusing, he couldn’t quite classify it himself so how could I?
I wish I could tell you how the conversation ended but I’ll be quite honest, it was all a blur from there.
What I will say is that a week later, I was sitting in my best friends kitchen explaining this story to her and he facetimed me. We both fell out of our seats but I had to answer. I explained to him how ironic this call was because I was just sharing the details of his 2 ½ baby mothers.
He replied, “No, what is more ironic is I’m on the way to see my two sons now. You can see them and their mom…. Moms… parents.”
Sure enough, Adrienne and I did exactly that. We met baby mother #2 and 2 1/2. I wish I could wrap this up story up with a pretty bow, but just like there was no intro, there will be no outro. I just had to share.