Sweet baby Jesus. I just turned 30. 1987 was 30 years ago. 1987. The year the NY Giants won their first Super Bowl. The year Aretha Franklin was inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. And most importantly, the year of ME.

I’ll be honest, this isn’t what 30 looked like in my dreams. It doesn’t fit in with the countless vision boards I’ve crafted since I was old enough to use scissors.

Everyone I’ve spoken to tells me that my best years are ahead of me, however I have to be honest, I’m skeptical. (I’m sure my skepticism is a bit of immaturity mixed with a pinch of ignorance, but let me look back in 3 years and discover that part. )

I’m sorry Jay Z, 30 isn’t the new 20*. 20 is still 20. 20 still has no responsibility. 20 is still learning consequences. 20 has no filter. 20 can still call on Mama when things get rough.

30 is 30. 30 has no excuses. 30 is actions and not words. 30 cannot fail. That’s intimidating.

However, when I glance back at that description, I realize 30 is actually fearless. 30 is determined. 30 is focused. 30 understands self. 30 is unapologetic.

A close friend of mine described it best, “Ashley, I can not wait for you to turn 30. It is the best feeling in the world. You know all that pressure you put on yourself to accomplish certain things by 30? Be set in your career, own a home, degrees, marriage, kids, all of those obnoxious “should be’s” ? Guess what? Once you turn 30, all of a sudden the timer you put on yourself has expired and you realize the world has not ended. You are not a failure and NOW you get to LIVE!”

Good point. Great point, it was almost so good I WANTED to turn 30 asap. Keyword: ALMOST.

In all honesty what I really take from that is, if I loosen up the timeline on my life, I can anticipate each year with excitement instead of anxiety. The more time I spend thinking about it, the more I’m willing to accept: My life plan isn’t in fact mine to plan at all. What’s that saying? “Life is what happens when you’re busy making plans?”

Free at last. Free at last. God almighty I’m free at last.

*30 = 30 somethings 20 = 20 somethings