I’m not sure if it’s this age or my perfume, but I’m a target for married men lately. It’s like the influx of the West Nile Virus that happened when I was in high school. Terrible, tragic outbreak. I’ve decided to group these men into 3 categories for all intents and purposes of this blog.
Group A consists of the married man who will do any and everything in his power to convince you it is NOT what it looks like. “Yeah, I’m married but only because it’s cheaper to keep her. We aren’t happy. I can’t even tell you the last time we slept in the same bed. I have two houses. It’s only for the kids.” Yeah, yeah, ok you get it. We know him. He’s struggling to make it work. Let’s call this group the “Not What it Looks Likes.”
Group B consists of the openly married men, who still live their very single lives on their own. It’s that whole “She’s married, I’m not” situation. We’re talking about the ones with a bat line or two from AT&T. (You know, the phone that never leaves their trunk or workplace. Ever wonder why he only calls you from the car?) The ones who have “availability rules.” You know, the same gentlemen who post family photos while on secret vacation with someone else. Is it too much? Should I stop? Either way, the point is, Group B has somehow figured a way to make it work and that’s why we will call them the “She’s Married, I’m Not’s.”
Group C consists of those great guys that women dream of from the movies. The men who understand their wives are the goddesses of the Earth and deserve nothing less than love, respect, support and loyalty. They may look outside their marriage, but they never act. They are the prototype and in fact I will label them as such, “The Prototype.” I applaud all 10 of you.
Well ladies & gentlemen, I think I encountered my first HYBRID species! I had such an interesting interaction I felt it was only right to share my research and invite you to chime in on what we should classify this breed…..
Let me paint the picture: It’s a Monday night, around 8pm and storming outside. I had forgotten my keys inside my apartment but My friend Nicole was over so I knew as long as I creeped in the garage behind someone and I could catch the elevator up with them. I pulled over near the garage and within minutes a gentleman drives up. I will admit, I pulled my car up close to get under the gate at the same time as him, so perhaps I actually initiated this WHOLE thing.
While waiting for the elevator I had a brief interaction with the guy. His first question: “Do you go to NYU?” I looked down embarrassingly at my sweatshirt & overall messy appearance, and I I had a NYU sweatshirt on. “Actually, this sweatshirt is far newer than my degree. I went there…. Years ago. What about you?” Saved. You can always excuse the bum apparel if you use your wit. A little wit and question flip, he answered, we exchanged casualties and we exited the elevator.
Two days later I go down to the garage to find a card left on my windshield. I looked around before I grabbed it and then sat down in my car a little scared to open it. It was, to my amazement, a beautiful card with a handwritten note inside. I’ll spare you the details but it basically said “Hi, I’m the guy you spoke to by the elevators the other night. I know this isn’t the best way to introduce myself but I think you are beautiful and I want to get to know you. If you’re single shoot me a text. If you are in a relationship, I apologize no disrespect.” I’ll admit it. I was flattered.
First move, straight to the group text. “DEAR LADIES, check out this guy’s approach” accompanied by a photo of the card & letter. We should be clear here. I had no original interest in this guy but it was cute and I wanted to share. By the end of the day, the girls had located him, his social media, his place of work, and a couple decent photos. A couple of girls and a group chat is really pretty dangerous. We decided, yes we, decided as a group that I should text him. So I did. I was met with exactly the response I expected.
He was excited I text and even set up a time to talk on the phone so we didn’t have to get to know each other through text. Alright buddy, let’s see what you got.
First phone call, “Hey, so um. I think that you are the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on and I can’t believe you even text me. I really want to get to know you but first I want to make sure I am completely honest with you. I want to start with the TRUTH so you know that’s all you will ever get from me.”Oh boy, here we go.
“So I currently am, umm, I am, I am like in the middle of a situation. It seemed like it was going to be finalized but now we just hit a little, tiny, kind of, sort of uh bump so its not complete yet.” He managed to stutter out.
Wait, huh? Can you use complete sentences? And perhaps sprinkle a tiny bit of detail?
“Yeah, I can. So like, I had a situation for a while and it’s like over. I’m sure, but its not finalized.”
Ok sir. “Let me help you out here. Are you married?”
“Uh, yes. But, but but I’m getting a divorce.” He spit it out as fast as he could.
“Ok well, no worries, I’m not looking to date anyone right now so hopefully that makes you feel like the pressure is off.” His entire demeanor changed, he laughed and he seemed relieved. Me, on the other hand? I was shocked, another married man attempting to court me. We made small chit chat for a few minutes and I hung up the phone, classifying him as a pending GROUP A, “Not What It Looks Like” candidate and went about my day.
We exchanged a few texts over a couple days and everything was fine until I was met with this:
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Or in the words of my favorite sisters, “Hold Up, Hold Up, Hold Up, say WHAAAAAAT” No, no, no pending “Not What It Looks Like” applicant, stay in your place! Don’t you dare try to be classified as a “She’s Married, I’m Not” without proper training. I was shocked, was he really a “Not What It Looks Like” trying to become a “She’s Married, I’m Not”? Or was he a “Not What It Looks Like” with slight “She’s Married, I’m Not” tendencies? Ay, my head is spinning.
I looked back at the entire chain of events and was left so perplexed. This gentleman went out of his way to leave a Hallmark greeting card on my car with a handwritten note. (There’s a way to make sure your wife never finds out going through your phone huh?) Then he went out of his way to schedule a phone call to tell me the “not so” truth about his dissolving marriage. Only days later to put communication restrictions on me for responding to his text at noon on a Wednesday afternoon? Let’s just say he was met with a lot of blue text that left nothing short of calling him a liar with no balls before my exit.
Naturally, I threw the new developments into the group text jury, and asked for help on how to classify the latest species. They have not returned with a verdict. It is important to note, days later, I’m somehow still getting texts. Strange, strange species.
I’m going with a “Not What it Looks Like” who dreams of being a “She’s Married, I’m Not.” Your input is welcome.
Here’s my handy disclaimer to cover my behind. No I do not condone married men cheating. Yes, my research is based off of experience, personal and that collected from friends. Every .0005 seconds a husband is pursuing a young, beautiful single girl. Get over it and laugh.