Is “The Nice Guy” for Me?

Yesterday’s music break was nice, but we cannot let the weekend go without dissecting our favorite science project: MEN.

Ladies, we are taught from a very young age to find a partner who’s loving, attentive, loyal, and respectful. One who will support you emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. We’re taught to find a man who’s smart, resourceful, and wants to nurture your personal and professional growth.  The overall essence is that we’re taught to find “The Nice Guy.”  The Nice Guy with all these wildly aspirational characteristics who loves you more than you love him.

We are also taught to, “Stay away from The Asshole.”  People do not believe The Asshole possess the characteristics of a life long mate.  Assholes are selfish, childish, and sarcastic  The Asshole is that guy who doesn’t text you back in any type of timely manner and when asked why, he sees no problem with “I was busy” without any further explanation.  You know the ones who only reply “Damn Babe, that sucks.” when you have flat tire on the highway because the game is on? The Asshole is the guy who goes to get a refill on his drink at the movies but never checked your cup to see how empty it is.

My recent fate has been that I end up stuck with The Assholes.  The ones who you stop, drop, and roll for but they only pop, lock, and drop it for you? I literally looked up last week and noticed that I was ONLY dealing with those type of men. The men who I’m going to have to classify as The Assholes.

Unfortunately my past experiences have never allowed room for The Nice Guy. My personality is extremely strong.  Actually, according to, I am by classification “A Debater.”   

The Debater personality type is the ultimate devil’s advocate, thriving on the process of shredding arguments and beliefs and letting the ribbons drift in the wind for all to see. Debaters don’t do this because they are trying to achieve some deeper purpose or strategic goal, but for the simple reason that it’s fun. No one loves the process of mental sparring more than Debaters, as it gives them a chance to exercise their effortlessly quick wit, broad accumulated knowledge base, and capacity for connecting disparate ideas to prove their points.

An odd juxtaposition arises with Debaters, as they are uncompromisingly honest, but will argue tirelessly for something they don’t actually believe in, stepping into another’s shoes to argue a truth from another perspective.

Debaters, like all Analyst personality types, are on a constant quest for knowledge, and what better way to gain it than to attack and defend an idea, from every angle, from every side?


In a nutshell, I’m a lot of personality. I’m going to question your intentions, expand on your ideas, and double check your suggestions.  At some point, the nice guy starts to give up. I honestly can’t blame him. However that gentle exit always makes me question if that type of guy is meant for me.  It’s almost as if The Nice Guy buckles under the pressure that is.. Me?

It’s interesting, because to me, pressure has always been my tester for men.  The pressure is revelatory. It reveals who you really are, not the representative you are giving me. The Nice Guy either isn’t up for that challenge or reads my response as I’m just not that into him.  If my pressure is supposed to bring out the best in him, and he avoids it, then how could he be on the level to bring out the best in me?  He can’t.

Unfortunately, because he gives up, The Asshole prospers. The Asshole prospers because he lives for the pressure.  Assholes love the pressure. The Asshole takes my thoughts, ideas, and doubts, picks them up, dissects them, and throws them back at me. Often times, leaving me left to reevaluate my own intentions. The pressure makes an Asshole, sometimes it just makes an Asshole burst.  Let me tell you, the results are a mess.

But the more I think about it the more I realize perhaps The Nice Guy isn’t giving up because of the weight of the pressure, but maybe because I’m actually pushing him away?  I don’t even know how to let the nice guy play his role.  I have a hard time recognizing or even allowing a man to do something nice for me. Mainly because by the time I dissect what it is he’s doing, his spirits are crushed and whatever nice gesture he was attempting is usually ruined.

I’m not afraid to let you know the flowers you sent don’t match my apartment and next time to call my preferred florist.

Dinner plans? Sure, but I know where I want to go. I don’t have time for bad food or ambiance so please let me pick the place.  

Something as simple as “Ash, let me send a car to pick you up for dinner.” leads to my response “Ummm, actually can I just drive? I’m going to be coming from work and I have to drop off something after dinner.”

I’m not trying to dismiss any of The Nice Guy’s actions, they are just not always the most logical.

One of my sad, but true favorites, “Here I wrote this song about you Ashley.” My response “Oh this is cool, but the intro is toooooooo long and can you add a little more reverb to the vocals?” Again, the thought was amazing, but I have to be honest, the execution could have been better.

I get it. I’m difficult, or more difficult than others, but there has to be a nice guy out there with asshole determination.  One who isn’t deterred when I cancel dinner plans for the night because I’m exhausted and instead shows up at my door with take out.  One who isn’t offended when I spend all night on my phone during our date, because he knows I’m working and it isn’t personal.  One who understands that my quick witt and brutally honest mouth mean no harm, I just don’t know how to hold what’s on my mind.  Is there A Nice Guy out there built like that? One built for me?

I wonder sometimes, maybe my Debater personality type only stands up against an Asshole? The men who give me a mental jarring match. The guy who forces me to play Devil’s Advocate to get into his twisted mind. The man who is up for a challenge.

The only problem? Assholes are not your husband. Assholes are not your children’s fathers. Assholes are just that, Assholes.


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This Post Has 7 Comments

  1. You described Tiffany (Amanda Diva) in Insecure. She’s married so there’s hope just yet!

    1. Yeah, she’s married but it’s just a tv show. Lol

  2. Wow, I normally wouldn’t even spend the time to comment on this but to be honest you sound like a female version of the a-hole and it appears that you’ve been attracting what you are. Truth is that us nice guys just want simplicity and someone that appericiates our thoughtfulness. You’re stunningly beautiful and I’m sure a nice girl but if you’re not planning on giving the nice "regular" guys a fair shot then why try to fool yourself and waste both of our time??

    • a self proclaimed "nice guy"
  3. You dated JR Smith. I have no respect for that. He’s an idiot.

  4. I actually wrote you dated JR Smith before I finished reading this. After finishing, I know you’re full of it. JR has the IQ of an 8th grader. How did he give you a mental jarring match? JR has no twisted mind. He’s just a low IQ selfish dick. I don’t think you’re as quick-witted as you think. I just think you like young, wealthy men. And most young, wealthy men are Assholes.

  5. Girllllllllll please don’t stop writing I swear we’re the same person 😩 Le struggle

  6. When you find that “nice guy w asshole tendencies” ask him if he has a brother LOL

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