I stand before you all and declare, that as of today, I am DONE dating the “Damn Babe, That Sucks.” kind of guy. From here on out, I will only date the “What Can I Do To Help?” type of guy.
Ok, ok, I hear both sides rumbling already. I hear you ladies, from your pedestals, “Girl DUH! Why were you ever dating anything else?!” And men, ok, I hear you too “That sounds selfish. All you want is someone to take care of you.”
Great. Now that we’ve acknowledge the comments from the peanut gallery, can I continue?
Wonderful.
I recently got into a pretty major-minor car accident. What’s a major minor accident you ask? It means that it was major in that I fell asleep behind the wheel, totaled a friend’s car, unable to walk for 3 weeks, and out of work. Major, right? Physical, mental, & emotional damage. I say minor because I only totaled property, not lives. Minor, because I only hit a parked car which could have easily been a pole, a person, or a moving vehicle. Minor, in the fact that I made it out alive and am here to write a blog about it. (Plus I had an ill, little crutch vibe for a few weeks and somehow worked out a mean pimp limp.)
Anyhow, I spent a lot of time in the bed. Like, a lot of time in bed. It was during this recovery that I began to note my interactions with friends, and in particular men.
The first week I was stuck in Adrienne’s guest room in Los Angeles. When the pain medication did not have me asleep or in the clouds, I was glued to my phone. I first noticed how certain girlfriends reacted when they learned the news of my accident. Some people immediately picked up the phone to check on me. Other friends offered to lend a hand, a shoulder, an ear, a dollar, or a good joke.
I’ve noticed that men typically respond to women in 1 of 2 ways when we present them with something that’s bothering us:
“Damn Babe, That Sucks” or “What Can I Do To Help?”
Let’s forget the accident for a second and use a general example:
Man: “How was your day?”
Woman: “Ugh! It was so long. I had 4 meetings, missed lunch, and now stuck on my last conference call. I can’t wait to get home to eat. I’m starving.”
Man: “Damn babe, that sucks.”
What’s wrong with that guy you ask? EVERYTHING!
He offers fake emotional support, but nothing more. If you dump your issues in his lap, they slide right off onto the floor. His desire to see you stress free does not supersede whatever he has going on in his life. His response makes it seem as if he cares or feels your pain but actually he’s just preoccupied with more important things than his feelings for you. (Important things like meeting the guys for cigars or watching the game. Or REALLY, REALLY important things like getting the cars washed or getting a haircut.)
The unfortunate part about the “Damn Babe, That Sucks” guy is he’s typically the one who has his own problems. Each time he needs something? You drop everything to help him. As soon as you need something? Here comes the auto-response. “Damn, babe. That Sucks.”
What would be the proper response to our busy, hungry work day example above? So glad you asked.
“Babe, what are you in the mood to eat? I’ll bring it over when you get home.”
“Babe, you sound stressed. I’ll pick you up from work, let’s get a bite.”
“Babe, I’m swamped at work too. I’ll order some takeout to both of our offices”
Something that shows he actually cares to help solve the problem and release a bit of your stress. In my case, I’ll have you know I did not receive a single bouquet of flowers from a man while I was on bedrest. Yet, so many of them want my time, energy, conversation AND body. How is that supposed to work? HOW SWAY!!
I want the second type of man. The man who who looks at himself and asks “What Can I Do To Help?”
The “What Can I Do To Help” guy is the man who thinks of how he can relieve some of the stress before he offers his words of encouragement. He’s a protector and a provider. He’s a real man who won’t rest easy, until you rest easy.
I’d be a liar to say my deck was completely void of these men. I did receive a couple responses along the lines of, “Let me know if you need anything” or “Let me know if I can help.” I’ll be honest, I don’t want to hear that. I do not want to let a man know if I need anything. I want to check my email and see there’s an order of groceries on the way because he KNOWS I cannot walk, let alone drive to the grocery store. And hey! Maybe I’m hungry?!
Listen, I’m not here to discredit or criticize the men who try with “Let me know how I can help.” They do have the right intentions. However, me? I am looking for actions. My ears are broken baby, you gotta show me.
(SIDENOTE: I have been told I give off this aura that seems to read that I never really need any help. It’s almost as if men assume women who are career driven, social, and financially stable are always “good.” I’m here to let you know we’re not!
I don’t know if it’s the way we carry ourselves? Is it displayed our through confidence, our demeanor? Perhaps it’s what you assume of us? Either way, I wish I could find someone to cleanse that aura because dammit, I love assistance and need help sometimes!)
Men are supposed to protect & provide. Unequivocally simple. It’s in the bible, don’t argue this point. Therefore, shouldn’t it be impossible for you to care about me and not WANT to protect or provide?
So yeah babe, “you’re right. It does suck.” because from here on out if you do not believe you should protect & provide, do not pass go, do not collect $200.
This Post Has 21 Comments
Elsie
20 Aug 2017Love this!!!!
Ashley Weatherspoon
21 Aug 2017Thank you!!!
Briana
20 Aug 2017This is perfect!
Ashley Weatherspoon
21 Aug 2017Thnx girl! 🙂
Aishia Renee
20 Aug 2017When is the book coming Ashley I can’t wait.
Ashley Weatherspoon
21 Aug 2017Girl, me either!
Tashi
20 Aug 2017So accurate
Ashley Weatherspoon
21 Aug 2017NoAlternativeFacts LOL
Michelle
21 Aug 2017This is so on point, every part of it!
Ashley Weatherspoon
21 Aug 2017Thanks girl!!! 🙂
Justin
21 Aug 2017She’s not a very good writer. She tries to be funny and sarcastic, but it comes off bland and trite. However, she’ll keep trying. She may get it one day. I guess I think she’s cute is why I keep reading these. They certainly aren’t good, let alone insightful.
April
21 Aug 2017I’m curious Justin, what type of insight are are looking for? She is describing the various experiences she has had with the opposite sex as well as providing insight into what she would like. She is also writing this in a manner that is relatable to women of a certain age with a certain level of experience. What exactly is it that your looking for on this blog? Just curious🤔
Ashley
21 Aug 2017April,
I’m not sure he knows, he came here because I was cute. Typical. LOL
Ashley
Justin
21 Aug 2017Actually, I wasn’t looking for the blog to be insightful. I was just looking to be entertained. But she has delved off into this man-bashing throughout a number of her blogs. I don’t even know if she knows it or intends to do it. With that, she has shown a dereliction of duty for a person who wants to be in a relationship while speaking to other women who may want to be in a relationship, as well. She has limited insight into what’s a "good man." I hate that term, by the way. I hate that term and the "real man" term, too. I like to speak using terms such as "good people" "bad people" "not so good people" and "not so bad people" lol Anyway, I just think she misses the mark a lot. I could go deeper, but I don’t even know if you will read this part or even be interested after this.
Also, I didn’t know she was writing only to women of a certain age with a certain level of experience. That’s a misapprehension on my part. Therefore, this entire kerfuffle is on me. My apologizes to Miss Ashley.
Ashley
21 Aug 2017Justin!! Oh no, here’s where you’re wrong babe… I’m not trying to be funny & sarcastic. I’m just being myself. Maybe, to you, that means I’m bland and trite. All good, however I’ll let you know it would CERTAINLY be the first time I heard both. LOL I’m not for everyone, but guess what? I’m ok with that.
Sidenote: if the only reason you’re here is because I’m cute, it sounds like you need to re-evaluate things. There’s not even enough photos on this site to get you off. 😉
Justin
21 Aug 2017I like good writing. I don’t care if it’s in a book, a magazine article, or a blog. And I don’t care where it comes from. Now, after reading about 7-9 posts, I have come to realize that your writing just isn’t that good. It’s quite boring. Furthermore, I found this blog through your Instagram page (where the photos are if I actually wanted to "get off" on them) lol
You’ve been called bland and trite before? I’d like to meet those who’ve called you that. That’s awkward (for me). But I don’t know if you are actually bland and/or trite. I just know those words happen to describe your writing 🙂
Yes, the only reason I kept coming here was b/c you are cute. For that, I need to re-evaluate things? Why else would I be here other than you being cute? You aren’t writing about science, technology, finance, politics, economics, environment, international affairs, healthcare, etc. You’re a cute girl writing mostly about relationships. I wanted to hear your perspective. That lends itself to me having to re-evaluate things? Well, maybe it is a deleterious flaw of mine that I don’t want to hear/read what Gabourey Sidibe has to say about relationships. Physically unattractive people don’t interest me in regards to relationships. "Father, forgive me." lol
Side note: You’re still cute. At least I think you are 😉
Stacy Robinson
11 May 2019That was a great reply. I enjoyed you on Empire Girls. Why didn’t they renew the show?
Raquel
22 Aug 2017I personally love your style of writing Ashley. It’s refreshing and insightful. This is a type of style I’m hoping to incorporate into my own writing one day 😊.
Monique Stevens
23 Aug 2017Yes!! Ashley I really enjoyed this one. It was clear and well written. I could truly relate. I have to tell men that they should act as our protectors, not as abusers, in a relationship. When is your book coming out??
Stacy Robinson
11 May 2019I think he wants her to name some names, this way we can connect better. Considering the breakup with JR was all over the internet.
Ina Yusko
1 Jun 2019I like this site so much, saved to my bookmarks.