Psalm 40:1-3 The Message (MSG)
40 1-3 I waited and waited and waited for God.
At last he looked; finally he listened.
He lifted me out of the ditch,
pulled me from deep mud.
He stood me up on a solid rock
to make sure I wouldn’t slip.
He taught me how to sing the latest God-song,
a praise-song to our God.
There are some days I wake up overflowing with praise, with thanks, with a testimony.
Is my life all I dreamed? No, Far from it.
Is my family in perfect health? No.
Do I wake up next to the love of my life? Nope.
Have I given my mother a grandchild? Negative.
Do I have my New York Times Best Selling novel? No
Is my bank account overflowing? No.
Am I on my way? Yes.
I’m so thankful for my journey. You see, on this day 3 years ago, I was in my very same bed, shades drawn, afraid to face the world. There were days I couldn’t get out of my bed to shower and days I did not put a single thing into my body. Not even a glass of water. Sure, I was 15 pounds lighter, but from depression. It was a dark time. I felt trapped, alone, and rejected.
You see, my faith is deep rooted. I grew up in the church and evangelical Christian programs like Awana. However, I always attribute my personal relationship with Christ beginning on the day I walked to the pulpit at 11 years old days after my mom returned home brain surgery blind in 1 eye. I didn’t know it then, but what I had accepted in myself was that I could not journey alone. I knew the only way to make it through this crazy thing they call life is to have God to keep you upright.
So naturally now faced with the most trying time of my adulthood, I tried to do the same. I leaned into him, but this time, I couldn’t find him. I didn’t understand why would God put me through such a trying time. What did I do to deserve this? It was bad enough my whole life crashed down in front of me, why was I left questioning my faith as well?
The pain didn’t let up, the loneliness didn’t subside, in fact, I felt as if I was slipping into a deeper depression. This torture lasted for months. But like it says in Psalms 40 above, I waited. I called and I waited. I called louder and I waited. I cried and I waited. I screamed and I waited. And at last, just like it says, he looked.
When he finally decided I was ready, I started small. Every morning I had 3 goals. The first was to read 1 chapter of the Bible, the second was to spend 30 minutes a day out of the bed, and the third was to try to do 2 hours of work. That’s right, in total my goal was 3 hours of activity. Let me tell you, even that seemed overwhelming. It was small, and that’s why I say to you, start small. But know there’s a man with a bigger plan.
This message is for somebody. There are too many women that follow this blog not to encourage you. If it takes me to go first for you to know it’s alright, follow me sis. None of this is easy. You are not crying or weeping in vain.
Here is my praise song. In fact, my praise song(S). This is a collection of gospel songs I cannot deny. These are the songs move my soul and ignite my spirit. Take this playlist. Listen to these words and believe them. But most importantly believe in Him.
Lost in these songs, I realize I am never alone.
Neither are you.