I’m In Love With A Man I Put In “The Friend Zone.”

I’m in love with a man I put in the friend zone. There, I said it.

I’m in love with a man that I put in the friendzone, and now I can’t even get him on the phone.

I’ve been grappling with a range of emotions the past eight to nine months that have me more in my feelings than ever. I started this blog as a means to explore the nuisances & truths in myself, and sometimes you have to return to your roots. I figured I’d write about this situation until the feelings escape me. There is no cool, new aged dating term to explore and I don’t have any advice this blog. Today, it’s just my feelings, spit out on the page — my little version of self-comfort.

We met a decade ago. He was young, handsome. and chasing his dream. While we were definitely compatible, we were both young & hot, for a lack of better words. So, we built one of those unexplainable friendships — good enough to tell people we knew each other, but not well enough to wish each other “happy birthday” without a Facebook reminder.

It wasn’t until I was deep in the middle of my depression after a nasty breakup that God restored our relationship. Some six years later, we were different people. He was incredible. He was well read and even more polished. He was strong-willed, strong-minded, and strong with me. He knew when to let me rant, when to tell me I was crazy, and just how to motivate me to get off of my behind. He supported me, he encouraged me, and we became the best of friends. Our relationship remained undefinable despite him being my first call for everything. Whether it was to share an idea or get an opinion — I had to tell him first.

This past fall I sat at a friend’s wedding and as she stood in front of her husband to be and said “I knew you were for me when I had to call you to tell you ANYTHING. No matter how big or how small.” She gave some great examples along the lines of “Just got bad news at the Dentist — gotta call Kevin.” “Just caught the best sale at Saks — gotta tell Kevin.” “Just passed a new puppy store on Melrose — gotta tell Kevin.”

That was the moment 6 months ago, that I realized I was completely in love with the guy I swore was just a friend. You see, with this guy, I wanted to tell him EVERYTHING. Almost to a fault, I would share stories of my ex, and even stories about the other bozos who were courting me in the moment. He was the first one I read the first draft of my blogs too. I would subconsciously look for his approval before exploring the topic further. I valued his input. But I continued to chuck my constant search for his approval up to “he just has this unique talent at identifying talent.”

What I did know was that he was so special and someone great had to experience him. I wasn’t going to let some random girl who didn’t deserve him have him. So what did I do? I pushed my feelings so far aside that I even tried to set him up with a friend of mine. She was equally intelligent, cultured, obsessed with music and woke. However naturally, it didn’t work out.

Shortly after something weird happened. I found out through another friend of mine that he might be dating a girl she knew. That was exactly what I wanted to avoid. Jealousy, confusion, and unbeknownst regret rose up inside of me. I started to be snarky, I turned into a smart ass and, ultimately, my pettiness pushed us away from one another. He couldn’t understand why I had such a problem with him. As far as he was concerned, it wasn’t true and he couldn’t understand why I cared if I didn’t view him that way.

He had no idea he was one of the very few people in my life I ever imagined what forever with. I would constantly ask my friends what was wrong with me. “He’s perfect,” I would say. “He’s smart, driven, funny, and tall. He’s tall!” The height factor is frivolous, but it speaks to my own insecurities about my weight, so let me live. He’s tall. He is everything I want in a man.

Despite knowing all of these things about him, I could never wrap my mind around having romantic feelings for him. And at the time, I certainly I couldn’t let him know I was developing any feelings for him. This truth was hard for me to realize, let alone share. I knew inside that I may not be able to have an emotional attachment to another man in a romantic way for a while. Inside I knew, I had some healing to do. I had some holes in my spirit that needed to be filled. I had some dreams to realize. I had to make me whole again.

The truth is, we both had growing to do. He was a nomad at the time. Literally, he did not have a home. He would go where the wind blew him. Me? I’m the polar opposite; I crave structure yet hardly had any. I didn’t know what my life was. I was actually incapable of intentionally handing over my emotions to anyone, but that didn’t stop the emotions from growing. I chucked it up to “timing.” We weren’t meant for each other when God placed us in each other’s lives. We slowly began to fade to black.

However, now watching him grow from afar, some two years later, is hard. Our communication isn’t what it used to be, and the man I once planned our futures with is merely a non-contender. I don’t know what he’s doing anymore. I don’t know how his dreams have evolved. Did he get to check off some places on his bucket-list journal of places to visit? Did he decide on his next 90 days? Does he think about me?

On days like today, I wonder where we could have been, but I guess I’ll continue to chuck this up to timing. And I hope, one day, we have our time again in whatever form it takes.

If you’re reading this, because there’s a slim chance you might, hug your mom for me; she’s a warrior, and have an extra chat with your dad for me, too; he’s a real one.

Word to the guitars on Yosemite RSM.


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This Post Has 27 Comments

  1. Iove it when people keep it this real.
    Ash I pray if he’s the one that is going to make your dreams a reality that you will met again and the fire that burned within both of you be rekindled

    Love ❤️ you girl

    1. You kind of have to appreciate it right? LOL its scary & embarrassing but also, really freeing. I’ve been holding onto this for months. It feels good to let it go.

      and awww!!! your prayer made me catch a little tear.

      Thank you for your support!!!

  2. Aint no future in fronting. If you love him and he is still single, the next time you see him grad him by the face and kiss him…so he knows its real!

    1. hahahahaha!! A girl who goes after what she wants. A girl after my own heart. 🙂

  3. Ash, I know that you know God makes no mistakes. He puts people in our lives for a season for a reason. He gave you a best friend to help you grow, know what love is, and know what it means for you specifically through this young man. God will place your husband in your hands when the both of you are at your best. If God returns him to you, it’s gonna be magic. You both will have built a strong foundation within yourselves individually, to uplift one another as a unit. If God doesn’t return him specifically, it will be someone who will make you heart feel the same way this young mad did. Like you can’t wait to be around him and to tell EVERYTHING to. I really wish you the best. You’re a special young lady. The wounds on your heart will heal but the scars will remind you of the experience and the lessons learned. Continue to be kind to yourself. You deserve to receive all that God has prepared for you. 💙

    1. You better TELL ME!!!!! Lol

      This is why I’m obsessed with trying to grow this platform. Sometimes you just need another woman who can put into words all the things you need to tell yourself. Thank you Toy. I’ll keep your words close.

  4. Getting old(er)…huh? Gotta tell yourself you missed out on a guy who you never really liked to begin with? It’s understandable.

    The truth is that you are likely NEVER going to marry the man that you want/need until you change your mindset. Your weight (appearance) isn’t the problem; what’s inside you is. Are you a physically beautiful woman? No. However, you are an extremely, physically attractive woman. And a lot of black women like you are going to stay single. And it’s not because HOW you all look. It’s b/c of WHO you all are. And that’s the harsh truth.

    I’ll try to end this on a lighter, more positive note. You have not missed the boat. There are hundreds of thousands of good men of marriageable age for you in this world. You still have a lot of great qualities. But you need to learn to “see” correctly. If you don’t, it’s highly likely that you will NEVER marry a good man. You need to not only ask God to change you but to also change how you “see” men. Your vision is screwed up.

    Now, you can take what I say as constructive criticism, which it’s meant to be. Or you can take it as me bashing you, which I’m not trying to do. I’m just telling you the truth. I said this same stuff over the years about a bunch of the females who you know in the business. Most of them are now pushing 40 and are still single. Like you, their vision is screwed up, and they are going to stay single. In the end, you can listen from a man’s perspective, or you can keep listening to these women/friends who are only trying to gas you up (without offering any critique).

    1. Sidenote, before we begin. I did like him from the beginning. Let’s get that clear lol


      The references to my weight are add in’s that give a lighter touch and a bit of life to the blog entry. If you do some more reading you will also find it as a theme amongst my self-growth posts. Women are often concerned with these frivolous thoughts that we don’t expect men to understand.

      I want to be really clear, I am a beautiful woman inside & out. I don’t have any doubts about who I am as a human being. I make mistakes, but who I am, what I believe, how I serve my Lord and my friends & family is unmatched. So before I continue it’s important for you to understand I stand confident in that. It’s unfortunate you’ve gathered thoughts otherwise.

      Secondly, while I appreciate your attempt at constructive criticism, you missed the mark. The thing about me is, I’m not chasing marriage. You can be sure that I could settle down with 1 of many options tomorrow. I’m not hurting for a date or a man to love me. I’d be happy to provide some phone numbers for your reference check on that.

      What I am looking for is my soul mate. Someone I may or may not meet, but guess what? I’m ok with that. God has my path mapped out and it’s not for you to decide what an appropriate timeline for that is. You are right about one thing, my vision is blurred. But blurred because I walk by faith and not sight, I’ll be just fine. I bet that. 🙂


  5. This was definitely me one time but I’ve learned that a friendship like this one is meant to explore or take to new heights. We allow our egos and mindset to tell us what lines to not cross, but yet it may just be a sign from God himself. I pray blessings into your life that one day this young man will read it and fall right back where you both left off!! Love has no boundaries ✨

    1. You are so right. I know how to identify it now and that’s the best part about it. 🙂

      Thanks love!

  6. Hey..if i may i’d like to offer an opinion as this has happened to me before… i personally think you should get your friend back. That’s what you really lost. That’s what you might really miss. Im not saying that what you were feeling for him wasn’t true love but sometimes being in a space where you weren’t involved with anybody for so long but having this male friend who made himself available might’ve played a trick on your heart.. it may have felt like love. But you said he’s completely different from you so we don’t really know if being “together” would’ve really worked anyway. What we do know is you had a real connection with him on a friendship level and you not being able to express your feelings may have really confused everything and set you guys on a dark path. It’s super hard to jumpstart “love” after a long break but I’m not so sure it’s as hard to jumpstart true friendship, especially once a real conversation is had and clarity is given as to what went wrong. I think you should reach out to him, take him out or meet him somewhere and express how you miss your friendship and just be honest that because you were in a weird place at the time it was really messing with the way you communicated with him …maybe apologize for making it weird? (you dont have to tell him you wanna be on his body..save tht for the second date lol) For me being transparent like tht with people i care about really breaks down walls we build up to prevent ourselves from being too vulnerable. Can’t guarantee that you will get the results you might really want out that convo though, at the very least i would think you could get closure, and if he misses you back and isn’t too scorned from the break you might even get your friend back….sht.. there’s even a chance thru communication, time and a little bit of luck you wind up a happy couple walking on a beach in Aruba together. You never know. But somebody is going to have to make that phone call…

    (I sent a version of this earlier but I’m not sure if it went thru cuz i didn’t have service ..sprint life 🙄.. sorry if you get two messages)
    Btw i love your mind and creativity. You’ve got a new fan. Good luck!

    1. I kind of almost wish I got your comment twice so I could also get all the good gems you weren’t able to regurgitate. LOL

      You are so right. I am assuming it’s love, but with a significant male void in my life, for all I know I just miss his actual presence. What his presence represented as support and as a friend for me. That’s a great way to look at it honestly.

      We opened up the gates for conversation since the blog so we’ll see how much easier the friendship is to rebuild or not. *fingers crossed.


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    1. God really hears me. I am literally going though the exact same situation. We have / had been friends for about 6 years and recently he told me about his feelings and I later realised I had feelings for him to. However, we both came to see that it just wasn’t the time for a relationship because we are both at different points in life. We thus decided to “set apart” which has been one of the hardest decisions because I also lost a friend. He was the one I would tell EVERYTHING and now I miss him.

      I would really love to hear how things are going and have turned out for you.
      Thanks for this piece….x

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  9. I am in this exact position and came across this at the right time, although it wasn’t a friend zone.

    I’d been involved with someone for a little over 3 years on and off. I always liked him but the timing was off at diff points in time. The final time I moved abroad for a short period and realised how much he meant to me, how central he was to my life, how much deeper my feelings were for him than I realised.

    He however got someone in the interim and is really interested in trying to make that work instead, unfortunately for me.

    This post was extremely related and perhaps it’s only fate I come across it at this present time. Some of the comments have also been therapeutic.

    I’m not sure what happens to our friendship from here, or whether I should wait out his other situation and try again, but even though I have no answers I feel strangely comforted after this post.

    This is also months after your post so my hope for you is that you’ve been able to advance your friendship or even mend things in a deeper way with your guy.


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