I Didn’t Mean To Fall In Love

Fuck. I’m obsessed. You know that feeling? The one when you’re completely obsessed. Nah, like, I’m playing Snoh Alegra and relating to every single song. It’s the throw on “Cater 2 U” and get-in-your-bag-type obsessed. 

To my girlfriends, I refer to this feeling as a love hangover. It’s the euphoric experience you have alone after you’ve had an incredible time with a man.  It feels like you’re floating on Cloud 9, the feels are beyond.

I keep replaying the time we spent together, looking at my phone, waiting for him to text, call… anything! I’m too old for this shit. I really need to grow up. No grown woman would feel puppy love, right? I mean, how did I get here? How did Ms. Single, Ms. Independent, fall into the trap?

It’s been a minute since you got an update from me. So, here we go, Young Queen.

Do you remember the blog “I’m in Love with a Man I Put in the Friend Zone”? Right. If you haven’t read it, take a second and come back. I can’t lie – it was arguably one of the most vulnerable pieces I shared. 

Let me fill you in. I went ahead and listened to some of y’all in the comments. 

“Go get your man! Tell him how you feel!”

“Just keep praying. God will work it out.” 

“…If he feels the same, you will be together. If not, just keep going toward your future. We’re waiting for the continuation of the story. Let us know!”

“…You won’t know what he has to say ‘til you say something, so just do it, girl.😊”

“Ughh ❤❤ Reach out to him!! Why live with any more regret?!”

“TELL HIM. TELL HIM NOW!!! Do not let him slip away! ❤️”

Well, since he wasn’t really speaking to me, I emailed him. Subject line: Dear Young King  

Chills. It was good, I know. Give a Young Queen her credit. After two or three days of shitting my pants, anxiously waiting for a reply, a response finally came. 

My heart was shattered but a lesson was learned. He was right, timing IS a muthafucka.

I remember wishing him well, and for the first time in my life, I actually meant it. He deserved happiness, and she was one lucky woman. That was a little over a year ago. 

Since then, we’ve had two small catch-up dinners. Both times, I was more impressed than the last. I felt content with maintaining a subtle friendship with him because I knew the man he was, and I knew he would likely ride his relationship out. I was happy to have him in my life in whatever form it took. Somehow, someway, I was okay with taking the “L.”  Sure, I had missed a romantic opportunity with him, but I told myself I would not lose my friendship as well. 

Anyhow, cut to this summer – I flew across the country to surprise a friend for her birthday. I had plans to hang out with a guy I had been seeing, but he flaked. Okay, he didn’t just flake. He damn near screwed me over. That’s another blog for another day, sis. 

Anyhow, the first morning of my trip, I woke up feeling all sorts of disappointed. I was questioning why I kept letting this guy, who clearly doesn’t care about me, access my time, my thoughts, and my life, and then boom – out of nowhere – I received a text from Mr. Friend Zone

I was ten minutes away from him, but I hadn’t even bothered to tell him I was in town because, well, it’s COVID and I’m sure he was quarantined with his boo. Nevertheless, I text right back. In my mind, it was God’s timing. I had to let him know I was in town, and I would not leave without seeing him. 

We decided on having outdoor patio drinks, keeping things safe due to COVID-19. It ended up being my best night of 2020. Okay, wait, maybe the first Dear Young Queen Cocktails + Couches event was the best night, but this was right the fuck up there!

Y’ALL, HE’S SINGLE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At some point in the night, he mentioned that shrooms give him the ability to share the thoughts he has trouble expressing, and as a person who has the same problems, I agreed to participate. 

Okay, Mom, stop reading now. (Sorry, y’all, she be in the business.)

I’m no prude, but drugs just really aren’t my thing. A little marijuana here and there, no problem, but actual drugs? LOL nah. You really gotta be into someone to try that shit. 

But I did it. And hunnnnnnnaaay, we shared. We threw two years worth of feelings on the table. We both shared our feelings from the past, apologized, and owned up to our previous mistakes. We talked about his last relationship and why they broke up. I learned all about what he really wants in a partner and his unconventional views on love and relationships. We explored our compatibility – astrology and numerology. Name an ology, we did that shit. 

Y’all know I love to write about everything but I can’t even recap the level of honesty we explored. Let’s just say he shared shit I couldn’t have imagined. At some point, this question came up: 

What was the one lie you’ve told so much so that you now believe it?

Somehow, someway, I managed to get out, “I think I say I’m not looking for a relationship or I’m fine being single, but maybe I’m not. Maybe I just convinced myself of that.”

Yes, me, Queen Single, Queen I’ll Wait Until It’s My Time. I’ve been telling men for years that I didn’t want a relationship, but somehow, out of my own mouth, I told a man sitting in front of me that I may be ready for love.

Yes, shrooms are a real thing.

But now what? I’m Sober Sally, stuck with all my fucking feelings. Did we really make headway or did it start and end with shrooms? 

I’ve spent the last few weeks researching the use of shrooms among couples, and, well, “For some couples, psychedelics offer a chance to examine the entirety of the relationship without judgment. In a single trip, couples may explore what they’ve created together, and recreated, for better or worse, through the passage of time.”

So, is this the emotional re-start we need or just another memory to add to his Rolodex?

I read that “psychedelics can help us tap into a different, deeper, and more meaningful reality—compared to our default, waking mindset,” but what happens when we return to our “default” world? Our real life? Honestly, I’m so used to letdowns, I fear this may be just that – a buildup for the letdown. 

But the most poignant point of my research was that “going on a trip is not about escaping issues within the relationship, but about finding your way home. And you can feel that in your bones.” 

He feels like home. He’s it. I mean, I think he’s it. I’ve said too much to take back. I didn’t mean to fall in love, but I’m here now.

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This Post Has 9 Comments

  1. The rawness to you’re blogs are amazing so relatable, love is a very powerful emotion, and that’s just something I believe what’s meant will def take place, great read!

    1. This feels so good to read. My goal is to be open so other women not only relate but can take comfort in their own journeys. Thanks girl! 🙂

  2. Omg! I’m beyond happy for you. This was so dope to read Young Queen! 😘

    @shaybrierre

    1. I’m glad you enjoyed it!

  3. “I think I say I’m not looking for a relationship or I’m fine being single, but maybe I’m not. Maybe I just convinced myself of that.”

    That line alone was triggering. We want to be OK with our present as to not seem like we are missing out on anything or that we are sad or even lonely. But in all actually I believe the mindset that many singles create is one to protect themselves.

    Loved this one Ash…can’t wait to see what happens with FriendZone Bae.

  4. Absolutely loved this one. Keep it up.

    1. Thanks! 🙂 Going to use some of my down time over the next few weeks to churn out some more blogs. 🙂

  5. Wow. Your writing and rawness are unmatched. Your response to that question was triggering. I said, “Oh shoot. That’s me.” 😬

  6. Amazing as always!! Absolute truth is Freesom. Lies bury you into a cathartic cesspool! “What is a lie you have twisted into your reality.” That is awesome material. Keep up the great work Ash.

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